The Broncos did like most girls after a guy doesn’t call her back after 10 days, and stopped lying to their friends about him. Cutler is on the block. Here are my top 5 places he could land:
5) Detriot. Too easy. A bevy of draft picks (including 1 and 20) they can’t afford to pay, some 1st round WR’s that could use career revitalizations, and a city that, even by Tom Izzo’s account, is about to collectively jump into Lake Erie. And when the fuck did everyone start calling Michigan State “Sparty?” It’s not your girlfriend’s Pomeranian, it’s a program best known for the “war drill,” hard fouls, and dudes recruited from Flint.
4) New England. World’s largest diabetes research center. Plus it would be a real pubic hair in the teeth for Cutler. And when Brady acts like Carson Palmer has since ACL surgery, NE will be happy they did it.
3) Minnesota. Definitely the most aspirational. Unless the Vikes are willing to mortgage their future, Ricky Williams style, I don’t see how they have enough assets to make this work. But it’s cold and lonely enough with no KG or Randy Moss that the city is at risk of going the way of Seattle without something to prop them up … all their hopes are presently pinned on a guy named Tubby Smith, who can’t even live up to his own nickname.
2) Washington. Cutler is prime fodder for Snyder: a stat sheet hero, high priced, a terrible fit in his current system (west coast offense), a locker room question mark, and fatal flaws likely to get him replaced by the next Sage Rosenfels by midseason. Depressingly, having grown up in proximity to the Skins, I actually want them to get him. This is sort of like my thing about 6-9 white perimeter players at Duke. Coach K is fated to try to recreate Laettner, and you’re fated to keep talking yourself into Snyder free agents. Don’t fucking lie, DC guys, you know you talked yourself into Deion, and some of you sadder sacks probably talked yourselves into Danny Wuerffel.
1) For number one, I’ll defer to the phenomenal sportswriting found in the Washington Post and linked by ESPN. They say Jacksonville is possible. The complete explanation? “It’s been an offseason of significant changes in Jacksonville. Could another be on the way?” … Yep, that’s paid sportswriting.