What its like to be an athlete

This will make you feel like a professional athlete

This will make you feel like a professional athlete

Do you want to know what its like to be a professional athlete at a bar or club (or Marshawn Lynch’s case: an Applebees)? Always wished you could get girls like an athlete? I’m going to lay an analogy on you that will help you understand what in your life is just like this.

I’m about to make a comparison that’s going to blow your mind, its so far on the reality spectrum from talking about LeBron or DWade in the club that you’re going to hold your head in your hands and then once you see it develop, you’ll raise those hands in triumph. You ready? You sure? Ok, if you’re ready, which I hope you’re sure about… You sure? Ok, ok, you know how when you go into a sporting event and it looks like there’s an endless row of bathroom stalls (we’re talking the 30 stall bathrooms not the 5 stall bathrooms)? The choice of the appropriate stall is extremely important right? (Assuming you’re taking a dump and its not holding your pants urgent, but requires your expediency – at least a level of expediency is a requirement because otherwise you would hold out on the dump until after the game). This is your equivalent, you’re going to take a dump and he’s looking to leave a load.

Lets go further with this, they can have any girl in the club, with the only exception being (sometimes) a girl with a boyfriend at the club (occupied stall, which often eliminates the corner stall from contention). The athletes avoid the obvious no go’s, the fat chicks and woman with the snaggletooth (the toilets clogged with an inexplicably large amount of shit and the toilet seat with piss all over it). Now we all know that these guys simply point and women go home with them, AND any other option would crush our latent fantasies about the amazing life of being an athlete. In reality if a douchebag like Jeff Reed ends up holding a chick like this in pictures on a regular basis, a REAL athlete with actual celebrity would have to do much better much easier.

Now where it really gets interesting is when we get into the selection process once you’ve eliminated the most obvious no’s. There is a balancing act to work out which is the time spent looking through the women against having to wait to take them home. Now let’s dispell one thought that you have right now, which is that these athletes are looking for the hottest girl there (and analogously you would look for the best stall, which we all know you wouldn’t do). Athletes are not looking for a woman to marry (and you’re not looking to take a 45 minute, read Sports Illustrated cover to cover type dump). Athletes have sex with so many women that finding the hottest girl in the club becomes much less important, he just needs to get his rocks off – especially during the season when its a one night thing (you’ve taken so many shits that you just need to take one at this point and its not ultimately important how much better one looks than another).

Where’s the nuance then? This is where it really gets interesting. What’s the worst thing that can happen to you when you’re taking a dump? Answer is obvious right? Not having any toilet paper. What’s the athlete equivalent? Its a woman trying to have your baby. Both are way worse than the obvious problems, but its hard to see outright.  If you don’t have toilet paper, you’ll be rubbing your ass crack all day/night and will likely shit stain your underwear. If an athlete gets a random woman pregnant he pays for it for the next 18 years with major child support payments, and if he does it enough times, he ends up being in the Wilt Chamberlain hall of fame.

How does the athlete prevent such an epic disaster? He kicks the tires by talking to her (while you do a preliminary walk in of the stall) or he relies on a friend who’s been there before. However, he runs the risk of losing out elsewhere for the night by talking to her (just as guys behind you could take the good stalls while you’re checking on the TP in one of them).

Now that you know what its like, it wouldn’t exactly be the most amazing thing right? But it would still feel kind of good to be an athlete in the club, kind of like taking a dump.


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