The Puff Piece

Put this useless slob to work for you!

Put this useless slob to work for you!

Sometimes they’re good, sometimes they’re bad, but if used properly they can keep you watching sports and keep your girlfriend happy. Sorry ladies…I’m talking about a puff piece and not a vibrator.

We all have our own reasons for loving sports, whether it’s connection to a hometown, sharing something with family or just hating your miserable life and needing an escape. However, unless you’re dating some kind of wonder woman, your girlfriend doesn’t like sports as much as you do. As a result, in some way(s), you get shit for watching them.

Well THIS is a serious life problem, but enter the puff piece. You see women have these things called “emotions” and therefore don’t fully get engaged only when a ferocious dunk teabaggs some loser or when a ‘roided up freak launches an absurdly huge bomb. So, unless you’re prepared to give the girlfriend the old heave ho, you’re going to have to have a good answer to “why do you like sports so much?”

The dumb boyfriend actually gives the reason that he likes sports, but the smart boyfriend gives the reason she SHOULD like sports. You see you engage her emotions and all of the sudden she’s totally into the good family man on your favorite team (who by the way probably banged the female reporter who wrote that piece – see Derek Lowe or all NBA players).

So how best to take advantage of this? Casually mention something with an emotional connection to one of your players during the game when she’s stuck watching with you. Then, while still watching, find the story online and let her read it (because she likely has zero interest in watching anyways) and boom, she loves this guy and is rooting for him. From here on out, when you feel the heat is on for watching sports too frequently, just send along a new link and repeat. By the way, it really can be a great read to learn more about the players on your team, and stories like this one from last week actually can remind you that sports do serve a higher function than entertainment and draining your online gambling balances.

Addendum: Who are your nominees for the most shameless puff piece writers – Plaschke is undoubtedly my #1, especially because he’s a jackass.

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5 Responses to The Puff Piece

  1. lsho says:

    Or, if you’re really smart, post on the blog that your girlfriend(s) read and support out of love despite their moderate (at best) interest in sports and write about how you’ve fooled the dumb b*tch into watching sports with you by appealing to her silly femininity.

    That’ll really support the shared activity. Really.

  2. lsho says:

    But for the record – it does help us to get into it when we can, for example, root against a rapist.

  3. lsho says:

    And now I know where you get your bright ideas from.

    ANDREW.

  4. Andrew says:

    What if the rapist is really really good though? Will you understand then?

  5. mike says:

    Oh, this worked out beautifully. Just, marvelous.

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