Sarah Palin's probable love of hockey must be discounted to achieve desired results.

ESPN Sportsnation’s latest poll: If there was a preseason NFL game on oppostite game 7 between the Penguins and the Capitals, which would you watch?

The results: A brutal 37% pick the NFL game.

The NFL game is in red and the NHL in blue. And the states have voted remarkably similarly to how they did in the 2008 Presidential Election. I think we can say with some confidence that excepting the coasts, Americans are not open to new sports. And even the coasts aren’t open to soccer, which is just like hockey but at half speed, with 1/10th the shots, 1/3 the goals, and no checking or fights.

You’ll be able to find the poll here.

This post isn’t really about words. It’s more of a compilation.

There’s a Facebook group … called our coach’s wife is hotter than your coach’s wife … started by a Vanderbilt kid. This figures; they have little to pridefully claim as their own, so it’s always grandiose appropriations the locally accessible (Nashville music scene, Layla Kiffin, Cocaine…)

And a crappy fansite (UT education at work!) …

And finally a Deadspin post where we discover that Layla was a UF Zeta … just like Erin Andrews … the same Zeta house that’s home to a onetime flame of a buddy of ours, and a residence in which I myself have ventured. Firsthand confirmation, they all look like that. Apparently the Aryan Race is headquartered in Gainesville.

There are several other Deadspin posts if you’re interested, but that one details Bruce Pearl coming on to her via the media.

Look at that body.

A Cleveland area newspaper, in a rare moment of clarity, points out that the idea that the Cavs will have enough $$ to both pay James and another superstar free agent is a fallacy. If Cleveland resigns Varejao and/or Ilgauskas, and retains its first-round draft picks in ’09 and ’10, they’ll be unable to afford another top flight player. If they let Varejao and Ilgauskas go, and don’t sign a first rounder in either of the next two drafts, it’s not clear how they plan to win enough games or have enough talent to be an attractive long term spot for LeBron. Joe Smith and Ben Wallace are barely walking without canes at this stage of their careers.

I doubt LeBron is confident that the Cavs would go way over into the luxury tax in order to keep players around him. And without Varejao and some picks, they’re left with a trio of three point shooting PG’s and LeBron. Not exactly a foundation.

So instead you start talking about Tyson Chandler?? Even Oklahoma City didn’t want him. For free.

I do think LBJ could win a couple championships with Varejao, Chandler, Mo Williams, and Delonte West. But not as many as he could win with a different collection of guys, elsewhere.

Update: Look, obviously he likes it in Cleveland, and they’re committed to him, and the fans and city will forever worship, protect, and insulate him from anything bad ever happening.  All I’m saying is, the actual team around him isn’t necessarily going to be any better than anywhere else.  Cleveland can’t let up for an instant over the next year, while other teams can be building to have a renaissance at precisely the right time.

I swear to God that Rondo’s mission for this series is to become a star. He rarely does anything even resembling that huge flying dunk that split Howard and Lewis (6-11 C, 6-10 PF). Note that Howard, the league’s best shot blocker, didnt even try to contest a 6-1, 180 pound guy’s dunk attempt. (He has been trying to dunk over Howard all series and Dwight wants no part of it.) He came out firing and flying all over the court, throwing ridiculous bounce passes and putting the ball in Eddie House’s (31pts) hands every time down the court. And missing shots in the lane, but that’s okay.

He’s bringing life to a team we thought was dead, and trying to combine the intensity of Kevin Garnett with the media friendliness and explosiveness of (insert high profile shooting guard here, I can’t decide who). I don’t think this series will be more interesting than Lakers/Rockets, but I do think we’re seeing the birth of a star.

Pudgy Manny didn't need Cycles in the good old days. But LA is a place of vanity and deceit.

Manny just got suspended 50 games for using a banned substance.  It’s something people take when coming off a roid cycle to restore natural hormone balance.  He could also be trying to have a baby, but I don’t think Junior is one of his favorite movies, so I’m sticking with the ‘roids theory.  The timing doesn’t make a ton of sense … he already has his contract for a couple years … but it certainly could have been happening last fall as he searched for a new deal and wanted to prove his enduring power.

In order to give him a fair shake, Manny sez, “Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give me. … I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons.  …  I’m sorry about this whole situation.”

We know you’re sorry, Manny, that just cost you $8mm of Boras’ hard fought money.

Johnny Damon learned this lesson too: Red Sox heroes are better off not leaving Boston.

It’s refreshing to see a professional athlete engage in self deprecating humor after years of harsh barbs from The Big Insecurity and primetime smug-rule Peyton Manning commercials.

If Stan Van Gundy had called Shaq The Big Insecurity when they were feuding a couple months ago, it would have stuck forever and Van Gundy would have been a more unanimous winner than That Bird and Pacquiao put together.

Also, Simmons is now on twitter, for those of you who care about that sort of thing.  It’s thesportsguy33.

Oh, I almost forgot.  Cry me a river, Joakim Noah.  Woot.

The Night Cap

So I’m back, for just a minute. Finals has owned me and forced me to not see a single minute of easily the best first round series ever. So I just want you all to know how amazing the evening is in sports tonight:

6:15ish – Kentucky Derby: the runup may be intolerable, but it really is an exciting two minutes to watch.

8 pm: Game 7 of Bulls-Celtics. Because I’ll be watching, its all but guaranteed to suck. By the way, with everyone talking about this exciting 7 game series, nobody is talking about what might be the least exciting 7 game series ever, Heat-Hawks. Not one game has been decided by less than double digits. If you had told me that one of these two series would have blowouts in each of the first 6 games, the first thing you would think is go to the two injury riddled teams with inconsistent coaching, right? I think the NBA should just sweep the other series under the rug and air it on NBA tv along with the other ones they know we dont care about watching.

10 pm/11 pm/ 12:30 pm – Pacquiao – Hatton on PPV. If you can get a group together, definitely watch this fight (or if not, there may or may not be a way to watch online illegally for free, which I would never condone, but would always do). It has a lot of great subplots, and its two fighters who punch well above their weight class. Also, don’t forget the insanely loyal fanbases that will come along. There is serious brawl in the stands capability here too.

I got on a plane (in Chicago, oh sweet irony) right before halftime last night.  I got off and as I casually strolled through the baggage claim, noticed crowds of people watching the 3rd overtime.  The what??  Yes, even the taxi dispatcher was totally ignoring a 50 person line and instead was watching the game on a Laguardia Baggage Claim Flatscreen.  I tuned in just in time to see Rajon with that monster tip in, followed by Chicago’s bricklaying at the line, followed by … well … I can’t really talk about this any more.  except RAYALLENHAD51FUCKINGPOINTSANDISTHEBESTCLUTCHSHOOTERINTHE PLAYOFFSANDDIDNTTOUCHTHEBALLFORTHELASTTWOMINUTES!

The dispatcher tried to console me as he got me a taxi.  It did not work.  Somehow Bill Simmons is keeping it together.

P.S. If you’re not watching this series, I feel sorry for you.  Simmons is exactly right, this is why we actually watch sports.  I can’t say a single original thing about it, it speaks for itself.  Game 7 is Friday at7:30.  You should watch it.

Can we haz mulligan? -Chicago

If you’re going to send death threats to a member of the Celtics, at least make it a guy who we value having on the floor.  Tony Allen being too scared to play would probably only make the Celts better.

That said, I still think Chicago will win game 4.

If, like the Suns and Wizards, you spend more time clowning around than focused on basketball, you are not going to perform to your potential. It also makes you shitty at defense. To be fair, the Suns (led by Shaq and purportedly directed by Nash) are much funnier than the Wiz (led by Nick Young and directed by a seven year old with downs syndrome), but that’s just commensurate with general talent level (on and off the court).

That’s why, when I saw Flip Saunders say he’d get the Wiz to play defense, and Gilbert Arenas (Gilbert Arenas!) say he thought the locker room needed to stop being “a goofball team,” I lol’d (and not just because more self-defeating words have never been spoken. If you’re calling yourself a “goofball,” you are a long way from no longer being a goofball). And when your coach hiring’s ESPN article is headlined “Saunders: I Can Work With Agent Zero,” you know you’re fucked.